Adult Friendships and Why They’re Hard
“See you in…6 months?”
When sitting with client after client, I try to notice themes that come up in my work. Lately, I have noticed two commonalities-
1. We are all much more alike than we are different.
2. We all have difficulty maintaining adult friendships.
As human beings, we are made to be in connection with others. This is why we couple up. Romantic relationships are an important part of our relational experience. But I have found that sometimes society overemphasizes the importance of our romantic relationships and little attention is given to the benefit of having meaningful friendships. For this reason, clients find themselves over relying on their partner to meet needs that they weren’t designed to meet. This leads to frustration, isolation, and even the question- “Did I marry the right person?”
From roughly ages 5-18 (longer if you attend college), most of us are sent off to a traditional, similarly structured school. We see the same faces day in and day out. There are sports, clubs, organizations, and classes that are a shared interest (or lack thereof). We are bonded to these people by proximity & convenience. Then one day, they’re gone. Unless we are incredibly intentional about keeping these relationships, they die. Leaving us to overly depend on our romantic partner or slip into isolation.
As humans, we grow. Unfortunately, sometimes that means we can also grow in different directions. We cannot expect the friends we met in high school to be the same version of themselves they were when their brains were still not fully developed. Sadly, sometimes that means letting old friends go or facing the reality that they cannot meet us in the same way they once could. So- how do we move forward and maintain social connection when our built-in besties are unavailable & we are feeling isolated?
1. Put yourself out there: Believe me when I say I get a lot of pushback on this from my clients. I get it. Meeting new friends can be scary because…. how do we even approach people? This is where the internet can be both helpful but can also enable us to avoid connecting (which seems ironic). We have a false sense of security online. Commenting, sharing, DMing, it all gives us an illusion of connecting, until that becomes the only way you’re connecting. Talk to someone interesting online? Make plans to meet in person for coffee. Join Facebook groups specific to your interests, these groups generally schedule meet ups. There is an app specifically designed for this- MeetUp. You can filter through specific interests and see when their next meetup is. Use the internet to your advantage, but don’t let it enable your inclination to stay home. There’s no secret way around vulnerability.
2. Nurture your longtime friendships: Friend breakups are OKAY & they are inevitable sometimes. However, if you have a particular friendship you care deeply about, this will take intentionality. This takes effort, just as it does with your partner. Adult life is busy & even busier with kids. We can’t let our friendships fall to the wayside. Even if you can’t physically meet with friends, make time for a phone call or a facetime. Even just a regular text to check in can keep friendship alive.
3. Talk to coworkers: It’s easy to go to work and keep your head down. Much easier if you are in a work from home environment like a lot of jobs are these days. Some of my favorite people I’ve met are old or current coworkers. Ask them to go to lunch or if they would be willing to connect offline. Chances are, some of your new favorite people are much closer than you think.
4. Change your expectations: Think about it. The friendships that started in high school or earlier. Those can be your “ride or dies”, and what a beautiful bond that is. You’ve had years to nurture those relationships. It’s easy to compare newer friendships to those deep bonds and become discouraged when newer friends can’t meet that level of intensity. It’s possible that they won’t. There’s simply not the time. It’s okay to have friendships that meet different needs. Work friends, “going out” friends, growth- mindset friends, surface level friends, gym friends, church friends, shared interest friends, etc. They all are important and serve an important role. As human beings, we are made up of different parts and it’s fine to have various types of people who can meet these parts of us.
I just want to validate that adult friendships are hard. Hard to find & hard to maintain. However, it’s important and necessary for our relational health. If you struggle with social anxiety or accountability, it might be helpful to talk with a therapist to process through.
-L